anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress

Times of Panic

This house is like a ticking time bomb. Our son has tested positive for Covid-19. He did not have the normal symptoms. He did not have the fever, cough, or shortness of breath that they tell you about. He had a very bad headache and some GI issues. They only tested him because he works in health care. I’m not going to lie, both my husband and I were a bit upset as he was not doing social distancing very well. But, we also were not the best role models because we were still going to my parents to see our dogs. Tuesday will be a whole week since I have seen him, even though he is just downstairs. Luckily, he has had a mild case and seems to be on the mend.

On the other hand, panic has set it. My husband and I never know if what we are feeling is us getting sick with Covid or if we are stressed or if it is just allergies. I was supposed to have sinus surgery before this all started, so sinus issues have not been very good. We are constantly taking our temperatures. Last night, I had such a bad panic attack that I nearly had my husband call an ambulance or take me to the ER. I am hoping that none of us get it.

It has been hard to focus on school. My research questions were accepted right away with no changes. Now I need to figure out a new qualitative research method and research that that method to write up my methodology by next week.

I am trying so hard to be okay. When we moved in, this house was my sanctuary. Now, I can barely sit in the living room or go into the kitchen. I know this all will pass, but right now it is hard. Since Covid has come into this house, it no longer feels like my safe place. I was so excited that we had made this house look so nice and have this nice living area to be in. Now, I have been stuck in the bedroom waiting to get sick. I am not feeling positive at all lately. I am trying. I will continue to try.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Managing Anxiety in Uncertain Times and PCOS Flare Ups

To begin this blog, we ended up losing Relish on Saturday. She went downhill after seeming to get better. My husband has been heart broken. She was his baby. It was a sad day. She never did get to come home to our new home.

We had a long talk and will be bringing my two boys here in a few weeks. My husband was angry again with his past. He didn’t realize how far he had let things go and did not realize that the dogs were not being cared for in a proper way, which included being fixed and having regular vet visits. From now on, this will not be the case in this house.

My PCOS has been flaring up. I started bleeding earlier this month, which I hardly ever do because I have an IUD in. It stopped and then started again last week. I went to see my obgyn and she seems to think it is from stress. I have been cramping and it hurts. It has been on and off and for now I just have to watch it. It is frustrating.

My anxiety has been kind of under control. I’m on a new medication and it seems to be working. My doctor is upping the dose and getting ready to bring down the Zoloft. I’m not going to say that this whole Covid 19 thing is not scary. It is messing up my routine. I have been trying to stay busy. I have plenty of art to catch up on and plenty of books to catch up on. I’m waiting for my problem statement for school to be approved so I can move forward with my research concept for my dissertation. I have several freelance writing gigs that are on hold because of this virus.

Lately I have been feeling sluggish and in pain. I push through it to get things done that need to get done around the house. Parenting has been hard the past couple weeks. I have had to put my foot down with my stepdaughter, soon to be adoptive daughter. It is because I love her and I see her going in a way that I do not want her to go. She has so much potential that she does not see. Tensions have been high between her and my husband. I have watched him cry over all of it. I cannot be like her birth mom and just not make her do things. I care too much to watch her not do anything with her life. She has so much talent and is so smart and for some reason she does not see it.

As of Monday, our adoption went through of our son. I really wish things were not the way they were so that we could have had a celebration. There will be an adoption party when we can all get together again. My mother-in-law texts every couple days to see how things are going. She says she hates this distancing thing because she just wants to give us all hugs. On the other hand, my brother is continuing to drink and go out. He lives with my parents and it is pissing me off that he is putting them at risk. I go see my dogs maybe once a week and that is about to stop if he continues to be so careless.

I am wondering how others are managing their anxiety during this time. How are you all keeping yourselves busy with staying at home, if you are able to stay at home. I am hoping that people continue to listen to the orders to stay at home, and those that aren’t begin to. This cannot last forever and hopefully soon life can get back to normal. I am hoping to write more now that I have more time.

anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Moving House, Moving on, and Stress

We are fully moved into the new house. There is no longer anything at the old house besides a few cleaning supplies. I am still in the process of unpacking. Some of that unpacking is on hold until our new furniture comes. We ordered it online from Nebraska Furniture Mart, so it is all coming on different days. I am still staying in as we have been told to do. I had to wash clothes right away when we moved in because some of the older clothes smelled so badly like cigarette smoke. It disgusts me. I do not know how people used to deal with me smelling like that. Being a former smoker, I can tell the smell of smoke more. Let me tell you something, no amount of perfume or air fresheners covers that smell up. It just adds to it and makes it smell worse. It is honestly like spraying one of those cheap air fresheners after you poop. It is just gross.

The new house is amazing. It has a much more positive vibe. Our dog, Olive, is like a whole new dog. She is loving the new yard, she is cuddly and loving, and just a happy little girl. Relish is still at the vet. While it seemed that she was better, which in a way she is, she is eating and drinking. There is still the pancreatitis. It could be a tumor. Her blood sugars have been all over the place. I am scared to bring her home and for her to die in a new place that she is not comfortable in. Tomorrow, my husband and I will be talking to the vet to see if we may have some more time with her or if she is in pain. People, I cannot stress enough how important it is to get your dog fixed early. A dog is not something that you get just to have. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who get pets and then give them away. Do not get an animal if you are not ready for the responsibility. Would you have a baby and then decide after a few weeks that you do not want to keep the baby, they are too much work? Would you not teach your child? These poor dogs were never trained nor taken care of properly. It has been a sore point in my marriage. I do not in any way blame my husband, except for the fact that he let it go on for so long and let it go so far just so he could escape the confrontation he continually had to deal with.

As for me, it seems so much is on hold. I am still meeting with the bariatric surgeon, but my meeting with the nutritionist is now cancelled because it is not essential. I am deeply scared of this Covid, yet also angry as to how our government is handling it. We have such an incompetent idiot trying to run our country. We also have stupid people who do not listen when told to stay home. We also have the uninformed that hoard supplies so that everyone cannot get what they need. Moving during this time has been quite interesting. We needed a plumber to come over last night to get branches out of our drain system. Just having people in the house is scary. I barely see my parents and dogs. I cannot wait to bring my two boys to the house. I need to get them in for nail clippings and then they will be here. I cannot wait to be with my bulldog again. I feel like I am missing out on his life.

Moving has been smooth except it has caused some tension between my husband and I. His hours have changed at work and it is hard adjusting. I feel as if I am doing so much work myself without any help. He does what he can when he gets home from work, but during the day, it is all me. I am falling behind in school when it is most imperative that I am on top of things. It would be great to have more help, but I just do not. I was not meant to be a housewife. I never wanted to be a housewife. I feel like a housewife.

This is a very frustrating post to write. I am very frustrated. I think in another week, once we have things more settled, it will be better. I need to focus on the positive things. One is that we have this amazing house and I am so happy here. I have two great kids and an amazing husband. Right now, we are healthy. I hope that we stay that way. I am hoping that the world can begin to feel normal again soon. Times are scary.

Health, lifestyle, Women's Health

There is Not Enough Time in the Day

We went and did our walk-through of the new house today. Both of our parents were there with the kids. The kids are getting excited to move. We met one of the neighbors who also have dogs. They are about our parents’ ages and seem really nice. We close on Friday and move this weekend. We have gotten some amazing people to help us move. There are several issues though. First off, there is still so much packing to do. Second, Relish is still at the vet and tomorrow we need to make a hard decision. Third, my first assignment is due Sunday and it entails more than I thought it did.

The vet says that we can treat Relish for a few more days and see if she improves. There is a likely chance that she has a tumor or pancreatic cancer. She is too weak to do a surgery on. I am still angry about how these dogs were raised, but that is in the past. We have to do what is best for Relish. She is the sweetest dog I have ever met. She is not that old for a small dog. Had she been properly cared for, we would have her much longer. My husband is beyond himself. Relish is his baby. We are going to take Jaxx and Rollie to the new house. I just hope that they get along with Millie and Olive. I’m sure they will after some time. Jaxx and Olive are both needing some better training. Since we are basically quarantined right now, there will be time.

My course that I am in is a research concept course. As I said before, my progress will be tracked to see if I am ultimately accepted into the dissertation process. I have, at last minute, changed what I want to do my dissertation on. My first assignment is my problem statement for my dissertation. It is really hard trying to explain in a problem statement what I want to research. Then it comes down to the fact that I need to pick my research paradigm and my planned research design. Well, that makes it a lot more work. The next few days while packing, I will be mulling this all over in my head.

We are hoping to be in the house by Sunday. I cannot wait to bid this house farewell. The new house is so nice, in a better part of town, and just a new beginning for my family. While we were talking to the neighbors this evening there, my stepson noticed that I had worn the makeup he bought me. He looked so happy. And seeing how my stepdaughter interacts with people now just melts my heart. Both of them have grown so much. I need to keep remembering that when I get so mad. These things are in the past and better to be left in the past. We are all onto bigger and better things. Now if only my stalker would quit, that would be great. But, I guess when you do not have a happy life, you have to keep checking in on the life of others.

Right now I am trying to keep thinking of positive things. These are scary times right now with the Covid-19. I just want to get moved and hunker down with my family and wait until it passes. I made my own hand sanitizer last night because you cannot find any anywhere. I used my mom’s aloe plant and my small one with rubbing alcohol. I have not yet learned how to make it smell better, but it works. I put it in little squeeze bottles for everyone to use. This virus is bringing out the really ugly in people and the really good in people. The people who are hoarding and not leaving anything for their fellow humans are ugly. The ones that are helping others and sharing are the beautiful. If I have, I will give.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Trying Times

This week should have been an exciting week. We have our walk through of our new house on Wednesday and we close on Friday. Tuesday we sign the petition for the adoption of my stepdaughter, soon to be adoptive daughter. The date is set for our stepson’s adoption. All of this good stuff going on, yet so much negative.

Our oldest dachshund has been in the pet urgent care since Friday with pancreatitis. She has not been getting any better. The vet at urgent care told me to prepare myself and my family for having to make a hard decision. When we took her in, the doctor scolded us that she was not spayed. So, my anger towards my husband’s ex-wife has begun to swell again. We already lost one dog due to the poor dog not being fixed in a timely manner and not being properly taken care of or trained. Now, we may lose another before we even move to the new house.

As we have been packing, there are many things that we have had to throw out because of the smell of cigarette smoke. I told Nick that had I been his mom after asking that woman to not smoke in the house I was renting to her for a low price, I would have walked in and told her to stop smoking in my damn house or I’d kick her out. But, that is not how his mom is. She has been nothing but sweet to me. We were going through my stepdaughters plushies and I was so mad because some of them just smell so bad like smoke. A child’s stuffed animal smells like smoke. We are going to wash the ones she wants to keep, and I am hoping that it gets that smell out of there. It is just ingrained into everything that was in their old house. Granted, we have gotten rid of much of the crap that smelled, there are certain items that we cannot get rid of, like important papers. My husband had to throw out some important items to him because they cannot be cleaned and when they are taken out it makes the whole room smell bad.

So, yes, my anger has swelled again that his ex did not do anything but make messes for everyone else to clean up. Finding out that she had smacked my stepdaughter and verbally abused her was the icing on the nasty cigarette cake. I think moving from this house will help. I am still so angry that our poor pup is in the urgent care.

On top of all of that, this whole country is shutting down due to this virus. Our family has pretty much been self quarantining ourselves. My husband’s work hours are changing to half a day to keep the interaction between employees at a minimum. This could eventually go to working from home. I’m supposed to have interviews. We were going to enroll our girl in school. Now everything is up in the air. In the meantime, we have plenty of packing to do this week. We have to get all of our utilities to get them move-in ready. There is much to be done. Working on all of that should help the anger. I’m just tired of the smoke smell that permeates everything.

I guess I also forgot to mention that when I went to grab some of my clothes out of my old closet, I found my brother’s vodka bottles. Most empty, some full. So, he is still drinking and now I have the proof. I’ve also caught my dad lying about something important. Odd that my mom would be the one who is the sane one. It is true, parents are completely different with grandchildren than they are with their own children. My mom treats both of my kids like they are gold. Hell, I think they even actually like her. My stepdaughter texted my mom a couple weeks ago to ask her to pick her up so she could see the dogs. I am glad my mom can have that relationship with them. It does make me sad that her and I will never have that.

I know this post isn’t exactly PCOS related, but I needed to get some things off of my chest. I do know now that last week’s emotions were due to PCOS and the crazy hormones. I had my first actual period that I have had in years. I never get one because I have an IUD in. This one, oh it was bad and it hurt. I do finally have my first two appointments set up for the bariatric surgery. On March 31st, I will begin my six months journey to surgery. I’m excited and scared at the same time. Lets hope that all of this virus is under control. People need to stop going out when they have any symptoms of being sick. It is just irresponsible and selfish.

As I write this, I am waiting for my husband and girl to get back from dropping off insulin at the urgent care. Relish is medicated and sleeping. I am hoping that she will make it through this. It is heart wrenching. It came on so suddenly. So, if you believe in praying, send some prayers. If not, some positive vibes would be great. In the meantime, I am going to work on continuing to let go of this anger that keeps coming up in waves. It is the past and that is where it belongs is in the past. I need to quit letting someone I never knew creep into my life and my thoughts. I have tried to feel some sort of pity or love or anything other than anger. The only thing I can feel is thankful for the kids that I now have in my life and the incredible man that is now mine. I love them with all that I have.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

The Mental Struggle

I have been absent lately. Last week was a busy week with packing and cleaning. My stepson helped me throw a little get together for my husband’s birthday. I was pretty stressed out before it. I have hosted many parties sober, not to mention family friendly parties. It turned out to be really fun and my husband enjoyed it. My stepson and I work pretty well together as a team. We have gotten his court date for the adoption. It is right after we move. It is pretty exciting.

I have to be honest, the past few days I feel as if I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. There is so much going on and I am completely over stressed. The day after the get together, I was so beat. I know that PCOS plays a role in it. It also plays a role in my ups and downs of anxiety and depression. I had thought that Saturday would be a one day thing. I had no motivation, no energy, and could not think straight. I was in a complete brain and body fog.

Sunday I woke up feeling a bit better, but has to spend the day on school work. School…it has become a major form of stress. I have this huge final paper due Friday. I have some health issues that have popped up and it may be because of stress, or it may be because I have something wrong. I have never let school stress me out so much before, but everything is changing. I cannot register for summer courses as usual. I have to go through this next eight weeks on edge waiting for acceptance into the dissertation courses. I have no idea what these next eight weeks consist of. I do have next week off, but it is not a relaxing thought to me.

I am frightened of buying a house. What if we cannot do it? I am turning 40 in July. I had never thought I would turn 40. I thought I would die early. Here I am, turning old. My mom keeps saying how 40 was easy for her. It is not for me. I keep thinking of how my youth is gone, yet I do not mentally feel 40. Turning 40 just makes me think of death. It scares the hell out of me. Change scares the hell out of me.

I was driving to the doctor yesterday and I had all of these thoughts running through my head. Thoughts about the cornavirus, turning 40, moving, school, adopting the kids, being married, buying a house, my brother’s drinking, not feeling well. It seems that every time I get stressed about life, I begin to worry about my health. By the time I got into the doctor’s office, my heart rate was through the roof. I had to have an EKG done. The student doctor thought she heard my heart rate go from somewhere in the 80’s to 120. The EKG was good, but I have to wear a heart a monitor for 24 hours. I will be setting that up. I already have to do a stress test next week. I just feel like I have so many appointments coming up. It is stressing me out!

I had a bit of a breakdown at the doctor’s office and cried. I think it freaked my doctor out because I am usually cool and collected. But they kept bringing up school and how far I was and asked about it. Then they said something might be bad with my heart. That along with all of the other thoughts, I just started crying and didn’t really stop until after I was home.

The thing is, PCOS raises your levels of cortisol in your body, and then anxiety does the same. So here I am with all this cortisol running through my body. I could not get my heart rate to slow down. I saw my psychiatrist today and she thinks the Zoloft has stopped working. That is the medication we are trying to wean me off of anyway. I am being put on another new medication to try since I am allergic to Prozac. I am hoping this one works to eventually get me off of the Zoloft. She told me that I need to focus more on the right here and now. I keep catastrophizing. It is common with anxiety. I have been doing plenty of that lately.

I began listening to a podcast by Caroline Foran on Spotify. It is called Owning It: The Anxiety Podcast. I have yet to read her book, but between her last words on the first episode and my psychiatrist, I was crying again in the car. My psychiatrist said stress does not last forever. Both said there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The one thing the podcast said was that it does get better. I will find my way through. The fog of anxiety will lift. It is nice to hear that this is not how it is going to always be. It is hard to remember that when you are so far into the anxiety fog. It is hard to remember that you are not the only one. There are others.

Adoption, Health, lifestyle

We Did It!

We bought a house. We had to look outside of the area that we live in now, but I think it will be a good move. I’ve been wanting to move out of this city for awhile. We will be closer to many of the things that we enjoy doing. I have always felt creepy in this house, and cannot wait to move out of it. The new house will be a new start for all of us. My husband and I may have started our marriage in this house, but this will be OUR first house together.

The new house is move in ready as it was a flip house. Everything is new and everyone seems excited. Now the real stress begins in packing and moving. We have so many appointments besides moving. The next month is going to be crazy. My husband is now sick with some stomach bug. I have to get my fingerprints done for a background check to adopt my stepdaughter. We are awaiting the court date for the adoption for our stepson.

I am getting nervous about school. Summer registration opened up, but I am not able to register. The dissertation course has to be signed off on by my dissertation team. So, my next course in which I have testing will be monitored and I will be informed when I have made it into the course. It is nerve wrecking. I will just continue to work my hardest as always.

I am finally on the mend from the flu. I am hoping that I do not catch what my husband has. I have spent the past few weeks being so sick. I am trying to get caught up on everything. I am still waiting to hear back from the surgeon for my sinus surgery and the bariatric surgeon to finally start that six month journey. This year is full of big changes.