Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, sobriety, stress, Women's Health

Reflection Time

I’m sitting here. It is a rainy day. It has been a rough past few days with storms and anxiety. We brought one of my dogs to live with us, Rollie. He is scared of storms and fireworks. The past two nights we were up with him calming him down with storms.

Anyways, I’m sitting here drinking a hot cup of peppermint tea to hopefully help my stomach a bit. It has been really off the past few days. I’ve been listening to Anberlin as I work on my dissertation. They have been one of my favorites for a long time. Fun fact, Stephen Christian, their singer, graduated from the same school I attend, and has the same birthday as me, same age! As I sat and filled out the title page of the dissertation paper, I began thinking of how far I have come.

Sometimes in the middles of all of the stress and anxiety, we need to take a step back and see where we were and look at where we are now. Eight years ago, I was in my last year of drinking. I was a mess. One of my best friends lives in England, and he never fails to remind me how far I have come. He always says it is night and day from when he met me nearly ten years ago to where I am now. He met this girl who he saw had potential who did not see the potential in herself. She was this drunk hanging out at a shitty bar, trying to drink away the years of pain and unhappiness. He may not know this, but meeting him kind of kick started my journey. His questions of why are you living like this if you aren’t happy? You don’t belong here. You need to get away from all of these negative people in your life. You deserve more. For some reason, this time I listened.

I had spent so many years believing that I was not worthy of a good life. My life was going nowhere. I was not happy with who I was. I was not a good friend. I’m surprised that my bestie is still my friend honestly. I was not good to her when we first met. I hurt others because I was hurting so bad inside. I hated myself. So first came the quitting smoking. Then I ended up in the hospital because of drinking. That was my day where I told myself I am not doing this anymore. I had another good friend with me at the hospital that day. Another person who saw more in me than I did. He has been one of my biggest cheerleaders throughout this journey.

I was not quite an alcoholic like my brother is, but I used alcohol to numb the pain. I used people to buy me drinks. Just one more drink to numb that pain. Quitting drinking was only the beginning. See, now I had to actually feel things and face things sober. I actually ended up having a nervous breakdown four months after quitting drinking. My family was all living back together. My parents had lost their house to foreclosure, my brother had been kicked out of his girlfriends because of his drinking. My mom nearly died from sepsis and had to have a toe amputated. I was taking care of her and getting my brother to and from work (at this point he had lost his license). I had an eight hour panic attack. One of my friends came and took me to the hospital. I had already been prescribed Ativan, but that was not working. That night, I do not remember getting home. They gave me more Ativan to calm me down. I woke up in my bed with my friend sleeping on my floor because he was that worried about me. The hospital got me hooked up with my therapist that I am still seeing and a psychiatrist to get the right medications to help control the anxiety and depression.

Through therapy, I have learned to let go of many of the bad things I did in my past. I even learned to love myself. I learned to not let people take advantage of me. I went back to school because I had always wanted to get my bachelor’s. I had only had my associate’s. When I was nearing the end of my bachelor’s, I was already enrolled in the master’s program. I finished my bachelor’s with a 4.0 and my master’s with a 3.9 GPA. I took a few months off and then I was like well, why not prove to myself that I can go all the way and get my terminal degree. Here I am, working on my dissertation.

Not only am I working on my dissertation, I got married to a man who I honestly could not have asked for better. He is patient with my anxiety and depression and does whatever he can to help me. He has been supportive with school and everything else. We have never really had a bad fight. We work together as a team. I think going through so many years of therapy has helped me be able to communicate what I want and to get him to communicate what he wants back. He has become my best friend and I can not imagine my life without him. My family loves him. He is such a good man that was also dealt some shitty cards in life. I think together we have both been healing from our pasts. We want the same things in life and enjoy the same things in life. We are both sci fi nerds. We even had a Doctor Who themed wedding.

When we first began dating, his youngest and I began spending a lot of time together. It started because she did not want to be home alone. She had some reservations about getting to know me so soon after her mother had passed away. When I first met her, she didn’t even know the full story behind her mother’s death and could not even talk about her. When others brought her up, she would shut down. She was a hurting young girl. We finally got her in and got her a diagnosis of autism and got her into therapy. She has since blossomed. She talks more, she does more, she laughs more. She can talk about her mom now. She does not have really good memories of her mother. I feel bad that she does not, but she is the youngest and as her mother went further downhill, she got less than the other kids got. Her and I have bonded over certain things that happened to both of us growing up. She is still unsure of herself and still does not have the best self-esteem, but we are working at it.

It took a bit longer with my now son. He began reaching out to go to lunch and go shopping and we slowly got to know each other. He was also a hurting kid and still is to some degree. I think he feels torn between two families. It definitely hasn’t been on our end. He has been degraded by his other side of the family. I can see it hurts him, but he is learning to let it go. He now has a family life, something stable. We all do. We were all missing stability in our lives. I have seen him grow into someone who laughs more, talks more, and is wanting more out of life than the status quo.

Things are not perfect by far. But together we grow. We heal. We have all come a long way from where we were and have more to go. Throughout life, you continue to grow. One thing I learned from my friend that made me realize I could do more is that if you are unhappy and stay in your situation, it is your fault you are unhappy. You cannot heal and grow if you continue to stay stagnant in life. You have to let go of the past and move forward. Never forget what the past taught you and cherish the good memories it has given you, but you cannot live there. I never thought I’d be where I am right now, but here I am. I am here because I fought my demons and continue to do so. I have learned that not everyone has to like me. I have learned that I will fail along the way, this is how we learn. Fear of failure holds me back sometimes, but I have to push through. I also suffer from impostor syndrome. I have to keep reminding myself that I have worked for all of this and I deserve it. I allow myself to have bad days. I try not to be so hard on myself. There is so much more to life than staying stagnant and unhappy.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Anxiety and Depression

The past week and a half have been a roller-coaster of emotions. My anxiety is at a high. My stomach has been having a flare up. I have not been doing the best at self care. I have not done any yoga, I have not meditated, and I have been eating like crap. I have a few older family members that have tested positive for Covid and it is worrying me. My brother’s seizure put me on the edge. So far, he has been staying sober (as far as we know). I have been listening to back episodes of the podcast, Owning It: The Anxiety Podcast. It has been helping quite a bit.

This podcast has opened my eyes to times in my childhood that I felt off and was actually having anxiety. The last episode I listened to had a hypnotherapist on there. My therapist is a hypnotherapist and I have done regression therapy. It was a tremendous help. There is a new treatment called havening. When he was explaining what it was, I realized that my therapist has actually used some of these techniques on me. I can also relate to the woman that does the podcast in that when I feel good, I forget to do upkeep. When you feel good, you forget to meditate or do yoga. Those are things that need to be done. I need that daily check in to see how I am feeling, even on those good days.

I have been getting requests for interviews for more content writing positions. Some are remote and some are in office. I am scared to do a full time, in office position. We are making good progress with my daughter. We made a chart for her to do self care and be more independent and responsible. If she does all of the items she is supposed to do, she gets allowance every Sunday. We are in our fourth week and she has not missed one allowance. I did have a cute experience with her. She texted me that she is a meagling. Then she came into the room to put that into context. She was telling her friends about her allowance. I guess some of them were saying they wish they got that and some of the other perks she gets. She told them to get them a Meagen. They decided they wanted to be adopted to become meaglings. She is so cute and funny.

Things are better with our son. We worked through what was bothering him. He was not happy doing what he was doing and once he talked to us about it, he seemed much happier. We overheard him on the phone calling us his parents. My husband and I just looked at each other and smiled. He is the sweetest boy, well young man.

It was also quite stressful last week with it being my first week of dissertation. I had to take a bunch of short courses and take tests to get certifications that I will be conducting my study according to the law and in a moral way. They changed my dissertation chair halfway through the week and made a typo in the email putting me in the project course rather than dissertation route. I panicked. My new dissertation chair actually called me because he was just as confused. He seems nice and gave me some good tips on my dissertation. I am a bit worried because he is a bit slow in responding. I changed my problem statement and research questions a little bit, so I am waiting on him to approve and then send that on to the dissertation team to approve. Then I can work on the rest. This first part of the dissertation is basically explaining my problem statement, how I will conduct my study, and conducting a literature review.

We had my parents over for dinner last weekend. I know, breaking the social distancing rule. It was good though. My mom is so much better with the kids than she was with me. I think that happens. I think parents sometimes mess up with their kids and then treat the grandkids like gold. The kids have been really taken with my parents. My mom is always getting them goodies. I can’t wait until all this is over so that we can see more of my husband’s side of his family. We did get a video of our niece opening her birthday gifts that we gave her. It was so cute. My mother-in-law and me check in at least once a week to see how things are going. I am lucky to have them in my life.

I was so scared to meet them. When I was 22, I dated a guy who was very emotionally abusive and his parents were very religious and conservative. He went to Iowa State, so when I first moved to be closer to him, I lived with them for several months. Lets just say they were also very emotionally abusive. My husband had told me his parents weren’t very nice to his first wife. Well, it turns out it was gaslighting on her end. She was not nice to them and as other abusers do, used the tactic of trash talking them to separate him from them. Now he has a much better relationship with them and so do the kids. There was so much hurt there and now everyone is healing. One day, I will tell the story of my abuser (the worse one). Once you get into an abusive situation, you tend to get into others until you see your worth. It took me a long time to see my worth. In fact, I still have dreams that I am not really married. I have had so many people walk in and out of my life. When I wake up from these dreams, I am nearly in tears because my husband is still there. My therapist said these will continue until I can trust he isn’t going to leave like everyone else.

As for the anxiety, I keep reminding myself that it will pass. It always does. I’m trying to keep busy in my free time. We have had some family game nights. Uno Flip is a new favorite in the house. I bought a crochet kit to make start wars characters for my husband for father’s day. I’ve always wanted to learn how to crochet. His aunt made us this gorgeous blanket for our wedding gift. I love getting homemade gifts. I also love giving them. They are so much more personable.

Anyways, I keep rambling on and on. I need to get some actual work done. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. Remember, this won’t last forever. Anxiety and depression comes in waves, but it does not last forever.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, sobriety, stress, Women's Health

Mother’s Day

My first mother’s day, let me just say I do not want to do it again. The day started out sweet. I woke up and there was a balloon with flowers and cards. My mom gave me a beautiful wind chime. I painted decorative crosses for both my mom and my husband’s mom. I had such sweet messages from his mom and sister. Then, I called my mom. I could tell something was wrong when she answered. She kept telling me I did not want to know. You can’t say that to someone.

Last night, my brother had another seizure from detoxing from alcohol. I guess it was a bad one and they had to call an ambulance. My mom said it lasted longer than the one he had about 8 years ago. She said he didn’t come right out of it this time either. I went over to see him, he seemed okay. My parents were supposed to come over to our house for the first time tonight for a lasagna dinner. Both parents have been to the house, but not since the walk through before we moved in. He was shaking from what they call the DTs. My parents have to monitor him to make sure he does not get worse. He is being stubborn right now saying he is still going to work tomorrow and will make a doctor’s appointment. He says he isn’t going to drink anymore. Honestly, I don’t know. I go to bed and every day I wake up looking for a missed call or a text that he is gone. My heart is just hurting right now. His brain is so far gone from this disease that he cannot see the damage he is doing to himself and the ones that love him. It kills me.

So, instead of lasagna, we ended up just ordering pizza. I was not in the best of moods to celebrate. I feel like a fraud.

Yesterday, I took my adopted son to the store and bought him flowers to put on his mother’s grave. Then, all four of us went so he could put flowers on her grave. He was the only one to get out of the car. My heart hurt for him watching him walk up to her grave. I wanted to cry for him. Today he slept most of the day and left a bit ago to go back to visit his mom’s grave. I cannot tell you how my heart hurt. I know he misses his mom. And I know it is different with boys and their moms. My brother was treated completely different than I was. It is just like my dad was different with me than him.

Maybe I am extra emotional today and feeling sorry for myself. I stepped into a position that I did not ask for, and in honesty, I was not ready for. But I did and things have gotten better. My daughter takes care of herself now. She smiles and laughs more. But, I will never be their mom. I think I just fool myself into thinking that. I know my stepdaughter has told me I’ve done more for her than her birth mother. And maybe I’m just extra sensitive because of the things going on with my brother. I am scared I am going to lose him.

I am definitely having an off day. I have not eaten well, I have not treated myself well mentally, and honestly, I just want to go cry. Dissertation begins tomorrow. The thing that irritates me the most is that I write this to get my feelings out, but there are some asshole people that stalk me and use it against me. Why, because they are unhappy jerks with nothing better to do with their lives.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Women's Health

Beginning a Journey

I have begun my journey to weight-loss surgery. Apparently this is something that is controversial. I made a post on my personal Facebook (I have yet to set one up for my blog). I got so many recommendations about diets and medications. Only one person, who had the sleeve done, was positive about it. Yes, I have done dieting, I’ve spent hours at the gym. I still gained weight. Having PCOS sucks. I am comfortable in my body, I like my curves. But, I also know that the extra weight makes me feel sick nearly every single day. The thing is, it is not that bad of a surgery. I’ve chosen to do the bypass surgery because there is a greater success rate. It is nearly the same surgery as what my mom had, just not as complicated. Yes, I do have to diet before I have the surgery. Insurance has a rule that I have to meet with a doctor once a month for six months to check in with my weight. I have to keep a food journal.

So, my husband and I are going to begin the south beach diet. I need to do a high protein and low carb diet. Some have suggested keto, but I don’t think they realize how dangerous that diet is. It is not a sustainable way of living. I am excited to begin this journey. I had a long talk with my therapist the other day because I have been having nearly daily panic attacks. I am going into the office next week to have some hypnotherapy. We are planning on doing another regression session to help with moving forward. Hypnotherapy may sound weird, but it has helped me be able to live my life. I still have anger towards certain individuals, I probably always will. I still have some PTSD from my past, but it gets better as time goes on. Lately though, I have felt it crippling me again. I know, so many things are going on in the world and things are changing. It is extremely hard to explain to a 20-year old why they cannot just go sit in a car with friends right now. Even with face masks, it is too risky. We have seen my in-laws twice since all of this started and they do not come near us, nor us them. When we go see the dogs, we stay outside of my parents and do not go near them.

I have emailed a dog trainer to work with Jaxx and his aggression towards Olive. I honestly don’t think he likes female dogs. We plan on bringing Rollie to live with us this weekend. We have all been trying to keep busy. We sign my daughter’s adoption petition papers tomorrow finally. She turned 17 yesterday. They are both growing up way too fast. One thing that was brought up by the bariatric surgeon is that if I wanted to have children, I could not have the surgery. I told him that ship has sailed. We have spoken about possibly adopting or even doing foster care. But I think at this point, we are happy with the way things are. I got accepted into dissertation and that will be my next year busy. My husband wants to go back to school for his master’s degree. We each have three degrees at this point and will both be getting a fourth. Too bad we couldn’t have kids. They could probably rule the world. Not saying that the ones we have now couldn’t. Both are extremely smart.

Right now I am battling yet another sinus infection with an ear infection. I cannot wait to get the sinus surgery done! I feel like I may be coming out of this funk. I try to look around when I get bad and see all of the people in my life and all of the accomplishments. We are still enjoying our new house. We have been working on the yard and have so many ideas of what we want to do. The inside is coming along nicely. Home ownership has been fun so far. We’ve had a few snags, but it is so cute to see my husband looking up landscaping ideas.

For now, I will keep trying to look at the positive and try not to focus so much on the negative. I’m still working on getting negative people out of my life. Some people can never be supportive or happy for you no matter what.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, Women's Health

Let Us Make Some Things Clear

I’ve worked really hard to get from where I was to where I am now. I came from a messed up, hard drinking, angry, treating people like shit, feeling entitled, trashy little girl to where I am now. I’m still healing from my past. I don’t believe we ever truly heal from our scars. That is why they are there, to remind us of where we were and where we do not want to go back to. It shows us how far we have come.

Apparently, it is believed that I am jealous. I have to ask, jealous of what? All of my body parts are natural. I have an education. I have amazing relationships with my husband, kids, both sides of our families, and friends. I live my life and have goals. I know my beauty is both outside AND inside. Maybe I’m not skinny, eh, so what. You don’t need to be skinny to be beautiful. What you do need is a good attitude and to treat others well. What you say about me has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with you.

I have this amazing relationship with my husband. We are equal partners. We both keep up house and we both work. We have had maybe two fights. One was caused by some very vile people and the other was while we were moving. We didn’t yell. It didn’t last long. That is because we respect each other. I am a firm believer that you get what you give in this world. If you give toxic, you get toxic.

Just because we adopted our son does not erase his birth mother. He talks about her all the time. He misses her. I listen to his stories. I enjoy hearing them. I may not have agreed with the way she lived, but she was my kids mom first. She raised an amazing young man. My soon-to-be adoptive daughter is equally as amazing. They both have these huge hearts and love with their all. I keep wondering why then, why are the older ones so horrible to us, especially to our son.

This takes me back to therapy. See, when people feel a certain way about themselves, they psychologically deflect. It is a narcissist’s way of abuse. See, someone is unhappy with their life and they see others around them doing well and being happy. These people are getting things that they do not have. So, they deflect. Basically, someone who calls another a name does so because they are so scared they are that name or feel like they are that name. They want to make you feel bad because they feel bad. If they aren’t happy, you cannot be happy. The way I have seen family members speak to each other is not love. That is abuse. It’s not respect. It’s sad. It hurts people and pushes them away. I keep telling those around me to not let what others say bother them. This is because it has nothing to do with us in this house. It has everything to do with the people saying it. They are the ones that have a problem. But, that problem is with themselves. That problem, that is internalized, is now coming out against people they supposedly love. You do not hurt people you love. You lift them up. You are supportive of them. And this whole, stay away from my so and so’s this…how old are we? Five? That’s my bike, don’t touch it. You can’t have the same bike as me because I did more to deserve it. Really? This is all getting so far out of hand.

That’s okay though. We will keep living our lives and moving forward while others stay unhappy and stuck. Eventually they will push too far and be all alone. I’ve been there. I hit rock bottom. I decided I did not want to keep focusing on the past and I wanted to live my life. Do I have some animosity there? You bet. I’ve had to clean up someone else’s messes. Jealous? Nope. I’m happy where I am and am content. I’m reaching my goals and I’m watching those around me that I love also reach for their goals. This too shall pass. We always make it through together. When it comes to jealousy, I think it is the other way around. People in this house are getting things others never got.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Managing Anxiety in Uncertain Times and PCOS Flare Ups

To begin this blog, we ended up losing Relish on Saturday. She went downhill after seeming to get better. My husband has been heart broken. She was his baby. It was a sad day. She never did get to come home to our new home.

We had a long talk and will be bringing my two boys here in a few weeks. My husband was angry again with his past. He didn’t realize how far he had let things go and did not realize that the dogs were not being cared for in a proper way, which included being fixed and having regular vet visits. From now on, this will not be the case in this house.

My PCOS has been flaring up. I started bleeding earlier this month, which I hardly ever do because I have an IUD in. It stopped and then started again last week. I went to see my obgyn and she seems to think it is from stress. I have been cramping and it hurts. It has been on and off and for now I just have to watch it. It is frustrating.

My anxiety has been kind of under control. I’m on a new medication and it seems to be working. My doctor is upping the dose and getting ready to bring down the Zoloft. I’m not going to say that this whole Covid 19 thing is not scary. It is messing up my routine. I have been trying to stay busy. I have plenty of art to catch up on and plenty of books to catch up on. I’m waiting for my problem statement for school to be approved so I can move forward with my research concept for my dissertation. I have several freelance writing gigs that are on hold because of this virus.

Lately I have been feeling sluggish and in pain. I push through it to get things done that need to get done around the house. Parenting has been hard the past couple weeks. I have had to put my foot down with my stepdaughter, soon to be adoptive daughter. It is because I love her and I see her going in a way that I do not want her to go. She has so much potential that she does not see. Tensions have been high between her and my husband. I have watched him cry over all of it. I cannot be like her birth mom and just not make her do things. I care too much to watch her not do anything with her life. She has so much talent and is so smart and for some reason she does not see it.

As of Monday, our adoption went through of our son. I really wish things were not the way they were so that we could have had a celebration. There will be an adoption party when we can all get together again. My mother-in-law texts every couple days to see how things are going. She says she hates this distancing thing because she just wants to give us all hugs. On the other hand, my brother is continuing to drink and go out. He lives with my parents and it is pissing me off that he is putting them at risk. I go see my dogs maybe once a week and that is about to stop if he continues to be so careless.

I am wondering how others are managing their anxiety during this time. How are you all keeping yourselves busy with staying at home, if you are able to stay at home. I am hoping that people continue to listen to the orders to stay at home, and those that aren’t begin to. This cannot last forever and hopefully soon life can get back to normal. I am hoping to write more now that I have more time.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Trying Times

This week should have been an exciting week. We have our walk through of our new house on Wednesday and we close on Friday. Tuesday we sign the petition for the adoption of my stepdaughter, soon to be adoptive daughter. The date is set for our stepson’s adoption. All of this good stuff going on, yet so much negative.

Our oldest dachshund has been in the pet urgent care since Friday with pancreatitis. She has not been getting any better. The vet at urgent care told me to prepare myself and my family for having to make a hard decision. When we took her in, the doctor scolded us that she was not spayed. So, my anger towards my husband’s ex-wife has begun to swell again. We already lost one dog due to the poor dog not being fixed in a timely manner and not being properly taken care of or trained. Now, we may lose another before we even move to the new house.

As we have been packing, there are many things that we have had to throw out because of the smell of cigarette smoke. I told Nick that had I been his mom after asking that woman to not smoke in the house I was renting to her for a low price, I would have walked in and told her to stop smoking in my damn house or I’d kick her out. But, that is not how his mom is. She has been nothing but sweet to me. We were going through my stepdaughters plushies and I was so mad because some of them just smell so bad like smoke. A child’s stuffed animal smells like smoke. We are going to wash the ones she wants to keep, and I am hoping that it gets that smell out of there. It is just ingrained into everything that was in their old house. Granted, we have gotten rid of much of the crap that smelled, there are certain items that we cannot get rid of, like important papers. My husband had to throw out some important items to him because they cannot be cleaned and when they are taken out it makes the whole room smell bad.

So, yes, my anger has swelled again that his ex did not do anything but make messes for everyone else to clean up. Finding out that she had smacked my stepdaughter and verbally abused her was the icing on the nasty cigarette cake. I think moving from this house will help. I am still so angry that our poor pup is in the urgent care.

On top of all of that, this whole country is shutting down due to this virus. Our family has pretty much been self quarantining ourselves. My husband’s work hours are changing to half a day to keep the interaction between employees at a minimum. This could eventually go to working from home. I’m supposed to have interviews. We were going to enroll our girl in school. Now everything is up in the air. In the meantime, we have plenty of packing to do this week. We have to get all of our utilities to get them move-in ready. There is much to be done. Working on all of that should help the anger. I’m just tired of the smoke smell that permeates everything.

I guess I also forgot to mention that when I went to grab some of my clothes out of my old closet, I found my brother’s vodka bottles. Most empty, some full. So, he is still drinking and now I have the proof. I’ve also caught my dad lying about something important. Odd that my mom would be the one who is the sane one. It is true, parents are completely different with grandchildren than they are with their own children. My mom treats both of my kids like they are gold. Hell, I think they even actually like her. My stepdaughter texted my mom a couple weeks ago to ask her to pick her up so she could see the dogs. I am glad my mom can have that relationship with them. It does make me sad that her and I will never have that.

I know this post isn’t exactly PCOS related, but I needed to get some things off of my chest. I do know now that last week’s emotions were due to PCOS and the crazy hormones. I had my first actual period that I have had in years. I never get one because I have an IUD in. This one, oh it was bad and it hurt. I do finally have my first two appointments set up for the bariatric surgery. On March 31st, I will begin my six months journey to surgery. I’m excited and scared at the same time. Lets hope that all of this virus is under control. People need to stop going out when they have any symptoms of being sick. It is just irresponsible and selfish.

As I write this, I am waiting for my husband and girl to get back from dropping off insulin at the urgent care. Relish is medicated and sleeping. I am hoping that she will make it through this. It is heart wrenching. It came on so suddenly. So, if you believe in praying, send some prayers. If not, some positive vibes would be great. In the meantime, I am going to work on continuing to let go of this anger that keeps coming up in waves. It is the past and that is where it belongs is in the past. I need to quit letting someone I never knew creep into my life and my thoughts. I have tried to feel some sort of pity or love or anything other than anger. The only thing I can feel is thankful for the kids that I now have in my life and the incredible man that is now mine. I love them with all that I have.