anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress

The Anxiety and Stress

I am going to be completely honest. I am struggling lately. I have been having many stomach flare ups which may be caused by stress or by medication. Due to the stomach issues, I had been confined to bed for a few days. I went to the ER, and they gave me a medication that I had a really bad reaction to. I had the worst panic attack and felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. They had to give me two other different medications to counteract the reaction. What angers me is that they say that it is a rare reaction. If it is such a rare reaction, then both of the ER doctors who look to be just out of med school should not have seen the reaction as many times as they have. Since then, my anxiety has been through the roof and it has been hard to function normally.

I know that my hormones are off balance right now. That does not help with the depression and anxiety going on. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and have decided to move forward with seeing her once a week for now. We are going to do some hypnotherapy again. I am a huge advocate for hypnotherapy. I also met with my new psychiatrist. Things are definitely going to be changing to get me back to my self. They are going to begin weaning me off of one of the medications that they think is upsetting my stomach and begin putting me on another.

My brother’s alcoholism has gotten worse. He looks horrible from the addiction. So, instead of actually working or studying right now, I am on the phone trying to find an affordable interventionist to work with my family to get him into a treatment. I honestly do not see him being around another year if he continues down this path. It is heartbreaking and a major cause of stress. I really want my brother back in my life, the one before the alcohol took over.

Another area is stress is the adoption that we are working on right now. My stepson is an adult and has made his decision. It is stressing everyone out. He would be afforded so many opportunities to better his life in this adoption. But, people keep sticking their noses in places that it does not belong. I have never seen a family so in each others business and so judgemental of what their family members do. It is so toxic. The worst part is when they google information and all of a sudden become experts on the law. I guess they know more about the law than the attorney that has been practicing family law for over 30 years, who is also a partner at one of the top law firms in the area.

Speaking of that, the reason I was told not to use the internet is that with adding on one medication to my other one, there can be a reaction. There is a tiny chance that there can be one, and none of the psychiatrists that mine has worked with have ever seen it. So, I need to steer clear of looking up symptoms. That way I do not cause the symptoms in myself. Part of the issues with treating an anxiety disorder is that the anxiety disorder fights the treatment. Part of the reason I think this country has been dumbed down is the fact that so many people google subjects and all of a sudden think they are experts.

I know this blog is based around my battle with PCOS. But PCOS can be worsened by stress and outside factors. I am not one to sugar coat or hide things. I have been fighting a battle every single day these past few weeks. It is a fight for my life. I cannot let anxiety and depression rule my life as it once did. It is not a way to live. I am taking every step possible to get out of this funk. I know it won’t be the last funk, because funks happen. I must find a way to handle this stress before I lose myself. I am tired of being sick and tired.

Health, Infertility, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, Women's Health

Baby Talk

My husband and I have always talked about trying for a baby. I had always wanted kids, but was never sure of the pregnancy part. When I was a teenager, I had thought I would get married and have children. Yet, I wanted a career more than a family at the time. When I was 22, I began dating someone I went to high school with. This relationship ended up being one that would wreck me. He was extremely emotionally abusive. It was not just him that was emotionally abusive to me, it was also his parents and brother. I lived with them for a short time in Des Moines before him and I got an apartment together in Ames. Things escalated and to cut the story short, he got physically abusive and broke my leg. More on that in another blog. Anyways, because of this broken leg, I had a DVT (blood clot in the leg) that traveled to my lung and caused a pulmonary embolism. My first night in the hospital, they did not know if I was going to make it. Again, more on this later.

The reason that I bring this up is because of having a blood clot in the past, I am unable to take any hormones. I am watched closely with the IUD in. I still get panic attacks. When one gets pregnant, they are at a higher risk for blood clots. If someone has had a blood clot in the past, it is an even higher risk.

This brings me around to the doctor today. This was my second opinion doctor. With having PCOS, it is already hard for me to get pregnant. I cannot do IVF because it has hormones. I cannot do a surrogate, because I would have to use hormones to get my eggs ready to harvest. Basically, either way I look at it, it would be too much of a risk for me to get pregnant.

Through the years I have grappled with anger and depression over the baby issue. It is hard to be excited for other women that get pregnant and even harder to go to baby showers. I am angry that my ex has two healthy children. Because of his abuse, I cannot have a baby of my own. I am angry that there are women out there that have no business having children. Some women can pop out babies left and right. They are usually the ones that do not properly care for their children.

That being said, I have always thought about adoption and foster care. There are kids out there who do need good homes. I honestly felt a bit selfish wanting to have my own kid and add to an already over-populated earth. There are plenty of kids out there that need parents. I have two stepchildren who are amazing and keep me on my toes. Soon, that will change also.

I also have to look at my life as it is now. My husband and I are looking at houses to buy. My best friend’s sister is our realtor. We have found a few. I am in my last actual class for my doctorate. I begin the dissertation process in May. I will officially be a doctoral candidate and not a student. I have picked out my dissertation topic. This time next year, I will be getting ready to defend my dissertation. My husband and I would like to travel. We are planning a honeymoon in May. Life is pretty full. So, while I was angry and cried a bit today, I am okay. I have already gone through the motions and grieved. I may never forgive my ex for hurting me, but I will not be angry for things that are out of my control. If we always focus on what we cannot control, then that controls our life. I already let anger, anxiety, and depression take my 20’s away from me. I refuse to let it take anymore.

This year, I am kicking PCOS in the ass. I have finally gotten an appointment to meet with the bariatric surgeon. The next six months will be a hard road. I have my sinus surgery coming up next month. Every little bit to help me feel better. I will soon be officially (on paper) a parent. As much as I wanted a baby, having a baby does not make life full. It is not a curse to not be able to have children. I have two children now who needed someone in their life. Sometimes things work out how they do. I do believe in fate.