My first mother’s day, let me just say I do not want to do it again. The day started out sweet. I woke up and there was a balloon with flowers and cards. My mom gave me a beautiful wind chime. I painted decorative crosses for both my mom and my husband’s mom. I had such sweet messages from his mom and sister. Then, I called my mom. I could tell something was wrong when she answered. She kept telling me I did not want to know. You can’t say that to someone.
Last night, my brother had another seizure from detoxing from alcohol. I guess it was a bad one and they had to call an ambulance. My mom said it lasted longer than the one he had about 8 years ago. She said he didn’t come right out of it this time either. I went over to see him, he seemed okay. My parents were supposed to come over to our house for the first time tonight for a lasagna dinner. Both parents have been to the house, but not since the walk through before we moved in. He was shaking from what they call the DTs. My parents have to monitor him to make sure he does not get worse. He is being stubborn right now saying he is still going to work tomorrow and will make a doctor’s appointment. He says he isn’t going to drink anymore. Honestly, I don’t know. I go to bed and every day I wake up looking for a missed call or a text that he is gone. My heart is just hurting right now. His brain is so far gone from this disease that he cannot see the damage he is doing to himself and the ones that love him. It kills me.
So, instead of lasagna, we ended up just ordering pizza. I was not in the best of moods to celebrate. I feel like a fraud.
Yesterday, I took my adopted son to the store and bought him flowers to put on his mother’s grave. Then, all four of us went so he could put flowers on her grave. He was the only one to get out of the car. My heart hurt for him watching him walk up to her grave. I wanted to cry for him. Today he slept most of the day and left a bit ago to go back to visit his mom’s grave. I cannot tell you how my heart hurt. I know he misses his mom. And I know it is different with boys and their moms. My brother was treated completely different than I was. It is just like my dad was different with me than him.
Maybe I am extra emotional today and feeling sorry for myself. I stepped into a position that I did not ask for, and in honesty, I was not ready for. But I did and things have gotten better. My daughter takes care of herself now. She smiles and laughs more. But, I will never be their mom. I think I just fool myself into thinking that. I know my stepdaughter has told me I’ve done more for her than her birth mother. And maybe I’m just extra sensitive because of the things going on with my brother. I am scared I am going to lose him.
I am definitely having an off day. I have not eaten well, I have not treated myself well mentally, and honestly, I just want to go cry. Dissertation begins tomorrow. The thing that irritates me the most is that I write this to get my feelings out, but there are some asshole people that stalk me and use it against me. Why, because they are unhappy jerks with nothing better to do with their lives.