My husband and I have always talked about trying for a baby. I had always wanted kids, but was never sure of the pregnancy part. When I was a teenager, I had thought I would get married and have children. Yet, I wanted a career more than a family at the time. When I was 22, I began dating someone I went to high school with. This relationship ended up being one that would wreck me. He was extremely emotionally abusive. It was not just him that was emotionally abusive to me, it was also his parents and brother. I lived with them for a short time in Des Moines before him and I got an apartment together in Ames. Things escalated and to cut the story short, he got physically abusive and broke my leg. More on that in another blog. Anyways, because of this broken leg, I had a DVT (blood clot in the leg) that traveled to my lung and caused a pulmonary embolism. My first night in the hospital, they did not know if I was going to make it. Again, more on this later.
The reason that I bring this up is because of having a blood clot in the past, I am unable to take any hormones. I am watched closely with the IUD in. I still get panic attacks. When one gets pregnant, they are at a higher risk for blood clots. If someone has had a blood clot in the past, it is an even higher risk.
This brings me around to the doctor today. This was my second opinion doctor. With having PCOS, it is already hard for me to get pregnant. I cannot do IVF because it has hormones. I cannot do a surrogate, because I would have to use hormones to get my eggs ready to harvest. Basically, either way I look at it, it would be too much of a risk for me to get pregnant.
Through the years I have grappled with anger and depression over the baby issue. It is hard to be excited for other women that get pregnant and even harder to go to baby showers. I am angry that my ex has two healthy children. Because of his abuse, I cannot have a baby of my own. I am angry that there are women out there that have no business having children. Some women can pop out babies left and right. They are usually the ones that do not properly care for their children.
That being said, I have always thought about adoption and foster care. There are kids out there who do need good homes. I honestly felt a bit selfish wanting to have my own kid and add to an already over-populated earth. There are plenty of kids out there that need parents. I have two stepchildren who are amazing and keep me on my toes. Soon, that will change also.
I also have to look at my life as it is now. My husband and I are looking at houses to buy. My best friend’s sister is our realtor. We have found a few. I am in my last actual class for my doctorate. I begin the dissertation process in May. I will officially be a doctoral candidate and not a student. I have picked out my dissertation topic. This time next year, I will be getting ready to defend my dissertation. My husband and I would like to travel. We are planning a honeymoon in May. Life is pretty full. So, while I was angry and cried a bit today, I am okay. I have already gone through the motions and grieved. I may never forgive my ex for hurting me, but I will not be angry for things that are out of my control. If we always focus on what we cannot control, then that controls our life. I already let anger, anxiety, and depression take my 20’s away from me. I refuse to let it take anymore.
This year, I am kicking PCOS in the ass. I have finally gotten an appointment to meet with the bariatric surgeon. The next six months will be a hard road. I have my sinus surgery coming up next month. Every little bit to help me feel better. I will soon be officially (on paper) a parent. As much as I wanted a baby, having a baby does not make life full. It is not a curse to not be able to have children. I have two children now who needed someone in their life. Sometimes things work out how they do. I do believe in fate.