Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Anxiety and Depression

The past week and a half have been a roller-coaster of emotions. My anxiety is at a high. My stomach has been having a flare up. I have not been doing the best at self care. I have not done any yoga, I have not meditated, and I have been eating like crap. I have a few older family members that have tested positive for Covid and it is worrying me. My brother’s seizure put me on the edge. So far, he has been staying sober (as far as we know). I have been listening to back episodes of the podcast, Owning It: The Anxiety Podcast. It has been helping quite a bit.

This podcast has opened my eyes to times in my childhood that I felt off and was actually having anxiety. The last episode I listened to had a hypnotherapist on there. My therapist is a hypnotherapist and I have done regression therapy. It was a tremendous help. There is a new treatment called havening. When he was explaining what it was, I realized that my therapist has actually used some of these techniques on me. I can also relate to the woman that does the podcast in that when I feel good, I forget to do upkeep. When you feel good, you forget to meditate or do yoga. Those are things that need to be done. I need that daily check in to see how I am feeling, even on those good days.

I have been getting requests for interviews for more content writing positions. Some are remote and some are in office. I am scared to do a full time, in office position. We are making good progress with my daughter. We made a chart for her to do self care and be more independent and responsible. If she does all of the items she is supposed to do, she gets allowance every Sunday. We are in our fourth week and she has not missed one allowance. I did have a cute experience with her. She texted me that she is a meagling. Then she came into the room to put that into context. She was telling her friends about her allowance. I guess some of them were saying they wish they got that and some of the other perks she gets. She told them to get them a Meagen. They decided they wanted to be adopted to become meaglings. She is so cute and funny.

Things are better with our son. We worked through what was bothering him. He was not happy doing what he was doing and once he talked to us about it, he seemed much happier. We overheard him on the phone calling us his parents. My husband and I just looked at each other and smiled. He is the sweetest boy, well young man.

It was also quite stressful last week with it being my first week of dissertation. I had to take a bunch of short courses and take tests to get certifications that I will be conducting my study according to the law and in a moral way. They changed my dissertation chair halfway through the week and made a typo in the email putting me in the project course rather than dissertation route. I panicked. My new dissertation chair actually called me because he was just as confused. He seems nice and gave me some good tips on my dissertation. I am a bit worried because he is a bit slow in responding. I changed my problem statement and research questions a little bit, so I am waiting on him to approve and then send that on to the dissertation team to approve. Then I can work on the rest. This first part of the dissertation is basically explaining my problem statement, how I will conduct my study, and conducting a literature review.

We had my parents over for dinner last weekend. I know, breaking the social distancing rule. It was good though. My mom is so much better with the kids than she was with me. I think that happens. I think parents sometimes mess up with their kids and then treat the grandkids like gold. The kids have been really taken with my parents. My mom is always getting them goodies. I can’t wait until all this is over so that we can see more of my husband’s side of his family. We did get a video of our niece opening her birthday gifts that we gave her. It was so cute. My mother-in-law and me check in at least once a week to see how things are going. I am lucky to have them in my life.

I was so scared to meet them. When I was 22, I dated a guy who was very emotionally abusive and his parents were very religious and conservative. He went to Iowa State, so when I first moved to be closer to him, I lived with them for several months. Lets just say they were also very emotionally abusive. My husband had told me his parents weren’t very nice to his first wife. Well, it turns out it was gaslighting on her end. She was not nice to them and as other abusers do, used the tactic of trash talking them to separate him from them. Now he has a much better relationship with them and so do the kids. There was so much hurt there and now everyone is healing. One day, I will tell the story of my abuser (the worse one). Once you get into an abusive situation, you tend to get into others until you see your worth. It took me a long time to see my worth. In fact, I still have dreams that I am not really married. I have had so many people walk in and out of my life. When I wake up from these dreams, I am nearly in tears because my husband is still there. My therapist said these will continue until I can trust he isn’t going to leave like everyone else.

As for the anxiety, I keep reminding myself that it will pass. It always does. I’m trying to keep busy in my free time. We have had some family game nights. Uno Flip is a new favorite in the house. I bought a crochet kit to make start wars characters for my husband for father’s day. I’ve always wanted to learn how to crochet. His aunt made us this gorgeous blanket for our wedding gift. I love getting homemade gifts. I also love giving them. They are so much more personable.

Anyways, I keep rambling on and on. I need to get some actual work done. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. Remember, this won’t last forever. Anxiety and depression comes in waves, but it does not last forever.

anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Isolation is Hard, but Necessary

I know many people right now are struggling with some mental health issues due to social distancing. Having PCOS with the changing in hormones, my days are so different every day. Some days I am happy to be home and being able to get projects done. Other days, I just want to be able to put makeup on and go out and have fun. Then I get sad because life is not normal anymore. It probably never will be again. I get anxiety because I do not want to get this sickness.

I had to get tested last week. The test itself was not that bad. However, waiting for the results was the worst. Luckily it was negative. Our home isolation is now lifted, but we are still doing online orders for groceries. We have ordered so many new items for the house. The decorating is coming along nicely. The past couple days we have been working in the yard. We have so many ideas and we both have to keep reminding ourselves that we have years in this house to do what we want. We do not have to have everything done right now.

When it comes to isolation, I honestly think it is for the best. I do not want to get sick, nor do I want to be responsible for someone else getting sick. That is especially true if the person were to die from this virus. I cannot believe that grown men are protesting with guns about the stay-at-home orders. These are the same men who want to deny a woman her own bodily rights. Oh, women too, are protesting this. The things is, a woman’s choice to get an abortion hurts nobody. These men and women protesting, however, can infect others and hurt them. In Alabama, they have had an increase in infections since a protest happened. I try not to get political on here, but we have a shit for a leader. There are people being brainwashed by him and not listening to science. I’m currently reading a book on the 1918 flu. This is not the first time our country has failed to follow science rather than “freedom” or religious beliefs. We have a bunch of ignorant, uneducated people wanting to go out and get infected and infect others.

I have also been struggling with motherhood the past week. We had to show our son how to really clean a bathroom rather than just wipe it down. I feel bad that I am so picky, but I like things clean and organized. I’m a bit OCD. It is disappointing that the kids were never taught how to do things by their birth mother. It frustrates me sometimes when asking my husband why they were not taught how to do certain things. I know my son is sad because the anniversary is coming up, but he is dealing with it well. I feel bad because it does not seem that the kids did not have much of a normal, happy childhood. I feel this immense draw to create that for them, yet I know that I need to teach them things to become responsible adults. I see how my little girl (okay, she is not little, she will be 17 soon, but she is still little) suffers from certain things. I also know how I grew up and I know why she does some of the things that she does or why she feels some of the things that she does.

I am finally meeting with the bariatric surgeon next week. I also got my sinus surgery back on the books. It is scary not knowing if my cough is allergies or if it is Covid-19. Its like a game each day. I have been so stressed that I have been bleeding. My body is going crazy with its hormones out of whack. I hope that the surgery will help a bit with that. I am trying to work on eating healthier and I have been more active working around the house and yard.

We are hoping to bring the other two dogs over in the next couple of weeks. We got muzzles for Olive and Jaxx so that they cannot bite each other. They will have to get along and then the muzzles can come off.

This time has also afforded me opportunities to get back into art. That is in between school. I am working on my research methodology right now. I am literally researching research methods. I am hoping that any day now I will find out if I have gotten into the dissertation course. That will definitely take some of the stress away.

I am wondering how others are spending their time. Is anyone doing anything creative? Is anyone learning anything new? In some ways, maybe this is bettering the human race (besides the protesters).

Also, please sign the petition at http://www.tinyurl.com/sign-pcos. This is a petition to have PCOS recognized as a significant health concern. This would demand national attention and much needed government support.

Adoption, anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Managing Anxiety in Uncertain Times and PCOS Flare Ups

To begin this blog, we ended up losing Relish on Saturday. She went downhill after seeming to get better. My husband has been heart broken. She was his baby. It was a sad day. She never did get to come home to our new home.

We had a long talk and will be bringing my two boys here in a few weeks. My husband was angry again with his past. He didn’t realize how far he had let things go and did not realize that the dogs were not being cared for in a proper way, which included being fixed and having regular vet visits. From now on, this will not be the case in this house.

My PCOS has been flaring up. I started bleeding earlier this month, which I hardly ever do because I have an IUD in. It stopped and then started again last week. I went to see my obgyn and she seems to think it is from stress. I have been cramping and it hurts. It has been on and off and for now I just have to watch it. It is frustrating.

My anxiety has been kind of under control. I’m on a new medication and it seems to be working. My doctor is upping the dose and getting ready to bring down the Zoloft. I’m not going to say that this whole Covid 19 thing is not scary. It is messing up my routine. I have been trying to stay busy. I have plenty of art to catch up on and plenty of books to catch up on. I’m waiting for my problem statement for school to be approved so I can move forward with my research concept for my dissertation. I have several freelance writing gigs that are on hold because of this virus.

Lately I have been feeling sluggish and in pain. I push through it to get things done that need to get done around the house. Parenting has been hard the past couple weeks. I have had to put my foot down with my stepdaughter, soon to be adoptive daughter. It is because I love her and I see her going in a way that I do not want her to go. She has so much potential that she does not see. Tensions have been high between her and my husband. I have watched him cry over all of it. I cannot be like her birth mom and just not make her do things. I care too much to watch her not do anything with her life. She has so much talent and is so smart and for some reason she does not see it.

As of Monday, our adoption went through of our son. I really wish things were not the way they were so that we could have had a celebration. There will be an adoption party when we can all get together again. My mother-in-law texts every couple days to see how things are going. She says she hates this distancing thing because she just wants to give us all hugs. On the other hand, my brother is continuing to drink and go out. He lives with my parents and it is pissing me off that he is putting them at risk. I go see my dogs maybe once a week and that is about to stop if he continues to be so careless.

I am wondering how others are managing their anxiety during this time. How are you all keeping yourselves busy with staying at home, if you are able to stay at home. I am hoping that people continue to listen to the orders to stay at home, and those that aren’t begin to. This cannot last forever and hopefully soon life can get back to normal. I am hoping to write more now that I have more time.

anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress, Women's Health

Moving House, Moving on, and Stress

We are fully moved into the new house. There is no longer anything at the old house besides a few cleaning supplies. I am still in the process of unpacking. Some of that unpacking is on hold until our new furniture comes. We ordered it online from Nebraska Furniture Mart, so it is all coming on different days. I am still staying in as we have been told to do. I had to wash clothes right away when we moved in because some of the older clothes smelled so badly like cigarette smoke. It disgusts me. I do not know how people used to deal with me smelling like that. Being a former smoker, I can tell the smell of smoke more. Let me tell you something, no amount of perfume or air fresheners covers that smell up. It just adds to it and makes it smell worse. It is honestly like spraying one of those cheap air fresheners after you poop. It is just gross.

The new house is amazing. It has a much more positive vibe. Our dog, Olive, is like a whole new dog. She is loving the new yard, she is cuddly and loving, and just a happy little girl. Relish is still at the vet. While it seemed that she was better, which in a way she is, she is eating and drinking. There is still the pancreatitis. It could be a tumor. Her blood sugars have been all over the place. I am scared to bring her home and for her to die in a new place that she is not comfortable in. Tomorrow, my husband and I will be talking to the vet to see if we may have some more time with her or if she is in pain. People, I cannot stress enough how important it is to get your dog fixed early. A dog is not something that you get just to have. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who get pets and then give them away. Do not get an animal if you are not ready for the responsibility. Would you have a baby and then decide after a few weeks that you do not want to keep the baby, they are too much work? Would you not teach your child? These poor dogs were never trained nor taken care of properly. It has been a sore point in my marriage. I do not in any way blame my husband, except for the fact that he let it go on for so long and let it go so far just so he could escape the confrontation he continually had to deal with.

As for me, it seems so much is on hold. I am still meeting with the bariatric surgeon, but my meeting with the nutritionist is now cancelled because it is not essential. I am deeply scared of this Covid, yet also angry as to how our government is handling it. We have such an incompetent idiot trying to run our country. We also have stupid people who do not listen when told to stay home. We also have the uninformed that hoard supplies so that everyone cannot get what they need. Moving during this time has been quite interesting. We needed a plumber to come over last night to get branches out of our drain system. Just having people in the house is scary. I barely see my parents and dogs. I cannot wait to bring my two boys to the house. I need to get them in for nail clippings and then they will be here. I cannot wait to be with my bulldog again. I feel like I am missing out on his life.

Moving has been smooth except it has caused some tension between my husband and I. His hours have changed at work and it is hard adjusting. I feel as if I am doing so much work myself without any help. He does what he can when he gets home from work, but during the day, it is all me. I am falling behind in school when it is most imperative that I am on top of things. It would be great to have more help, but I just do not. I was not meant to be a housewife. I never wanted to be a housewife. I feel like a housewife.

This is a very frustrating post to write. I am very frustrated. I think in another week, once we have things more settled, it will be better. I need to focus on the positive things. One is that we have this amazing house and I am so happy here. I have two great kids and an amazing husband. Right now, we are healthy. I hope that we stay that way. I am hoping that the world can begin to feel normal again soon. Times are scary.

anxiety, depression, Health, lifestyle, pcos, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, stress

The Anxiety and Stress

I am going to be completely honest. I am struggling lately. I have been having many stomach flare ups which may be caused by stress or by medication. Due to the stomach issues, I had been confined to bed for a few days. I went to the ER, and they gave me a medication that I had a really bad reaction to. I had the worst panic attack and felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. They had to give me two other different medications to counteract the reaction. What angers me is that they say that it is a rare reaction. If it is such a rare reaction, then both of the ER doctors who look to be just out of med school should not have seen the reaction as many times as they have. Since then, my anxiety has been through the roof and it has been hard to function normally.

I know that my hormones are off balance right now. That does not help with the depression and anxiety going on. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and have decided to move forward with seeing her once a week for now. We are going to do some hypnotherapy again. I am a huge advocate for hypnotherapy. I also met with my new psychiatrist. Things are definitely going to be changing to get me back to my self. They are going to begin weaning me off of one of the medications that they think is upsetting my stomach and begin putting me on another.

My brother’s alcoholism has gotten worse. He looks horrible from the addiction. So, instead of actually working or studying right now, I am on the phone trying to find an affordable interventionist to work with my family to get him into a treatment. I honestly do not see him being around another year if he continues down this path. It is heartbreaking and a major cause of stress. I really want my brother back in my life, the one before the alcohol took over.

Another area is stress is the adoption that we are working on right now. My stepson is an adult and has made his decision. It is stressing everyone out. He would be afforded so many opportunities to better his life in this adoption. But, people keep sticking their noses in places that it does not belong. I have never seen a family so in each others business and so judgemental of what their family members do. It is so toxic. The worst part is when they google information and all of a sudden become experts on the law. I guess they know more about the law than the attorney that has been practicing family law for over 30 years, who is also a partner at one of the top law firms in the area.

Speaking of that, the reason I was told not to use the internet is that with adding on one medication to my other one, there can be a reaction. There is a tiny chance that there can be one, and none of the psychiatrists that mine has worked with have ever seen it. So, I need to steer clear of looking up symptoms. That way I do not cause the symptoms in myself. Part of the issues with treating an anxiety disorder is that the anxiety disorder fights the treatment. Part of the reason I think this country has been dumbed down is the fact that so many people google subjects and all of a sudden think they are experts.

I know this blog is based around my battle with PCOS. But PCOS can be worsened by stress and outside factors. I am not one to sugar coat or hide things. I have been fighting a battle every single day these past few weeks. It is a fight for my life. I cannot let anxiety and depression rule my life as it once did. It is not a way to live. I am taking every step possible to get out of this funk. I know it won’t be the last funk, because funks happen. I must find a way to handle this stress before I lose myself. I am tired of being sick and tired.